An Open Letter to Godzilla...
Updated: Mar 12
First off, let me congratulate you on your 60th birthday. Not too many celebrities stay in the public eye that long, so bravo. In fact, I’m looking forward to the new movie coming this year. You see, that’s actually part of what I wanted to talk to you about.
The new film has you running amok in San Francisco. That’s a great place for you to start. The hippies there have been too complacent for far too long. There’s also a pretty sizable population of hipsters there too…and that brings me to my request. When you’re done with San Francisco, you don’t suppose you could swing by and visit us up here in the Pacific Northwest, do you?
You see, we’re overrun up here. If we were to use medical terminology, one would have to say that the cancer is spreading throughout the patient. In order to begin treatment, well, like I said, San Fran sure is a good place to start, but you need to go for the malignant tumor itself…Portland, Oregon. I only spent a few hours there a few months ago for a meeting pertaining to my job. But that was enough. The city is infested and sadly, MUST be purged.That’s a lot of grandiose language for a giant radioactive dinosaur, I know. So let’s put this into terms that will, I hope, serve to entice you to try out our, shall I say, cuisine selections in Portland and, if you’re still hungry after that, well, they’re rampant up here in Seattle too…so there’s plenty more.
As your maitre d, let me first point out some of our appetizers. If you’re trying to watch your reptilian figure these days…and who isn’t…the many Toyota Priuses running around both Portland and Seattle (and the hipster or hipsters within) offer a great low calorie snack. Offering a few more calories, but containing more of that hipster-douchebag flavor, are Mini-Coopers and those contained therein. And, if you’re thinking about an appetizer that can serve as a meal, might I recommend anything made by Volvo…VERY heavy on the douchebag flavor and tend to set on the stomach for quite some time. One last thing I should say about out appetizer selection. We here in the Pacific Northwest are keen on health, and as such each of our appetizers comes labeled with what is contained within. We don’t want you to be surprised. So, on the rear of each appetizer are labels (or bumper stickers)…the more labels there are, the richer that douchebag flavor! And, as I said above, we’re all watching our caloric intake these days. Thus, one of the labels will also tell you how many occupants might be in the vehicle (the stick figure family). This way, you’re informed about how many hipsters you’re consuming with each of our appetizers you sink your monstrous fangs into.
For the main course, we have the city of Portland itself. Let me walk you through the choice ingredients we’ve used to prepare this delectable feast for you. Most of the citizens you’ll find there have insisted on being fed nothing but “organic” foods, bought from trendy grocery stores like “Whole Foods” or smaller, more-patchouli smelling “food cooperatives”. The meat is lean, as most not only claim biking and jogging as a mode of transportation, but as “hobbies” as well. Now, some portions of your meal may have “dreadlocks”. While we don’t recommend eating those (they’re considered more of a garnish really), they do make GREAT floss when cleaning teeth after the meal. The abundance of Segways, too, are more of a garnish, to be used as toothpicks. Each ingredient has been left to baste in its own juices (hipsters don’t bathe much) and smothered in herbs and spices (patchouli mostly) to provide a unique blend of tastes. But don’t think of this as just a feast for the senses of taste and smell, no, your sense of sound will also find this to be a sumptuous meal. Bask in the sounds of ‘indie’ music…mostly white people with no rhythm plucking ineptly at acoustic guitars…and the delicious sounds of silence as you munch away on these self-important "minstrels". And don’t worry if you didn’t get enough of your appetizers, we’ve mixed in enough of those into the main course that there is a continuous flavor throughout your meal.
Make sure you save room for dessert! If you just want a warm coffee, there are utterly thousands upon thousands of coffee establishments, chock full of bad “art”, more ‘indie’ music and pretentious tools (and I’m not talking a stuck-up hammer here) to satisfy the largest of appetites. If you’re looking for something a bit fruitier, why not munch on some Apples? Apple Stores are a fantastic way to not only crunch on some hipsters, but also upgrade yourself for an upcoming battle with MechaGodzilla! Although, I do have to warn you, like the cereal Apple Jacks, I cannot safely say whether or not Apple Stores taste like apples.
So there you have it. Given your upcoming visit to San Francisco, you know, it’s best to think about the areas to the north as a buffet…if you like munching on San Fran, there’s plenty more where that came from up here in the Pacific Northwest! To close, again, I stress how much of an admirer of your work I have been, both in cinema and in real life (everyone KNOWS it was you behind the Fukushima thing back in 2011). Here’s to the new movie, and hopefully, your upcoming visit to Portland and Seattle!
Nuking the Cat Management
PS - I have included the following instructional video, created by the good folks over at Glove and Boots, to provide some background as to what a hipster is:
Evolution of the Hipster