Sunday Supplemental: My 'Dear John' letter to Hasbro

“Humans aren’t naturally monogamous.” Or at least, that’s what my ex told me. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that she cheated on me. Twice. Still, these words popped in my head as I thought about the topic we’re going to discuss here. This brings me to a confession.

Dear Hasbro,

I’ve been cheating on you.

It’s not that I don’t love you or your Transformers franchise. I do. And I always will. But you’re not as imaginative as you used to be. Remember late Generation 1? Pretenders, Powermasters, Micromasters. Unconventional combiners like Liokaiser, Road Caesar, Landcross and Monstructor. New leaders like Overlord, Thunderclash, Pyro, Victory Saber, Dia Atlas, Deathsaurus and Clench. These were fresh new ideas that didn’t always land, but no one could ever accuse you of not trying. What about late G2? You were hitting your stride, moving toward new molds as opposed to just reissuing G1 stuff with more 90s colors. Beast Wars was a revelation and brought the franchise back to life. The Unicron Trilogy brought even more new ideas, names and fun designs that, while tipping their hat to the past, weren’t beholden to it. Even Classics showed modern updates to old favorites that weren’t forced into lockstep with G1. Now, don’t get me wrong, updates to past designs are great. I buy them. But…where’s the wow? Where are the new concepts? Yes, you could count the introduction of the Weaponizers class…including the Junkions, Infernac-ians and Fossilizers…as a recent innovation. But that was still…what…seven years ago? And you’ve just been changing the theme since then.

Maybe we, the fans, are to blame. So much of the fanbase has become meticulously obsessed with things like articulation, “Back lives matter” (in other, less controversial words: minimizing the kibble that’s often relegated to the back of the Transformer) and wanting the best interpretation of their favorite character, which usually comes from the same old limited selection. As I mulled this rant over and over in my head, I kept being drawn back to the Unicron Trilogy…especially the last two parts: Energon and Cybertron. Those toys had some heft, interesting play-patterns, bright colors and…well…they were FUN. I remember getting excited for releases. Hell, one of my favorite memories comes from when I’d just started my career and thus had surplus cash to be able to spend in splurges. I walked into the local Toys R Us one day and there it was, the entire first wave of Energon. I left the store with every single goddamn toy. Were they the best toys? No, of course not. But dammit, I had some fun that day. Nowadays, I put in my preorders sometimes more out of a feeling of obligation than genuine excitement. Except for that upcoming Star Convoy for Age of the Primes. Hell yes. Gimme gimme!

Let me tell you who I have been seeing. This first one’s going to be a little embarrassing because it feels a little too much like breaking up with someone and then going out with their sibbling…but, Takara. Their Shinkalion lines (at least Z and now Change the World) not only offer an alt mode you do your level best to avoid, trains, but their mix and match play pattern and the recent emphasis on combining has me looking forward to each and every release…and that’s even with the fact that all of the molds are largely the same! They have a consistent quality that feels good, looks good and I haven’t had one prematurely yellow on me yet.

Between Hello Carbot, Tobot, MiniForce and Metal Cardbots, South Korea certainly looks to be vying for the crown of Transforming Robot Mecca. Whether stylized or slavish to pre-existing car designs, there’s a freshness to these bots that, as much as I love the guy, a 6th iteration of G1 Optimus just doesn’t have. Lately, I’ve been eyeing Metal Cardbots to get into, with its bright colors and interesting “card” gimmick. I mean, their two semis, Heavy Iron and Gigantrex, have robot modes that are more than just a little jaw dropping. Articulation isn’t as prominent as your offerings, sure, but since I started this off with a relationship analogy, I’ll drop another one: “Sometimes a good personality makes up for a lot.” These offerings may not be as poseable…but they look so…fun. The fact that most of my bots are shelf porn anyway suggests that you know what, maybe I don’t need 5 joints in the shoulder so it looks like Megatron can scratch his own ass. I’d rather have a new Decepticon leader that can tell Megatron in that Tim Meadows’ Ladies’ Man voice: Yeah, you was good, but now you got to go.

Then there’s China. A weird mix of knock-offs, Third Party stuff and original offerings like Bowutang’s transforming tanks, Marine Morphers and the clearly Headmasters and Duocons inspired Glory Alliance. As you’d expect from name like Marine Morphers, they take a stab at the other alt mode you avoid like the plague: boats. Honestly, I keep forgetting about those, but one of these days I’m going to remember, I swear. But I have been dipping my toe into Glory Alliance (or, more formally, Shapeshifting League Glory Alliance), mostly in their ‘Version 2’ waves. While the toys themselves do have some flaws, some loose joints, wobbly ratchets and widely varying transformation schemes that range from too simple to ‘open, dammit, open!’, overall, they too prove to be refreshing and imaginative while never trying to do too much. Many of the combiner-style toys jettison the individual robot transformation of their components, allowing designers to concentrate on one thing, making sure it’s the best it can be. [Your opinion of the results may vary. – Ed.] The “Headmasters” are a refreshing variant on Hasbro’s original idea, but this time opting to make the larger robot’s head the chest and not the back of the smaller bot.

Let me circle back around to the beginning of all this. Yes, there’s a reason why the “Legendary 7” are just that. Whenever most people think of Transformers, they envision either Optimus, Bumblebee, Grimlock, Megatron, Soundwave, Starscream and…in the off-chance…Devastator because…combiner…I guess? That’s fine. I get it, you gotta make your bread and butter…but if you’re going to just mine the past, then don’t forget to mine some of the lesser-known shadows. Again, let’s take Thunderclash. Mostly forgotten Optimus stand-in…hell, the mold was even used as Prime in Machine Wars. He gets a bit of a star-turn in IDW’s comics…but no new toy. The old mold hasn’t been used since that MW release in 1997 and the original? He came out in 1992 and is a notorious sufferer of Gold Plastic Syndrome. Where’s his update? It’s great you gave us a Skyquake…now how ‘bout some love for the other Predators? And…since this is my platform I’m gonna voice one of my biggest wants: even though he got a deluxe in Generations back in 2010, where the hell is a new Thunderwing? PS: No, the little headmaster thingy from 2017 doesn’t count.

Hasbro, I love this franchise, I really do. I’ve devoted way too much time and money on it. And I’m not going to leave it. Not anytime soon anyway. Unless you bastards make Bumblebee a Prime, then I’m right the fuck out. Still…you need to be doing more than just mining the past…and the well-trod areas at that. The Transformers past is rich, but if that’s the only place you’re looking, it’s only a matter of time before the nostalgia market crumbles and you’re left with having to reinvent the franchise again. While that might need to be where we end up going, I don’t want to go there. The dark times between G2 and Beast Wars had me leave the hobby and venture elsewhere for a while. The uncertainty after Beast Machines was not a great feeling. Well, until we saw Car Robots. But the Transtech drama? No thanks. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure…and some offerings are starting to feel a little…stale. Please, spice things up before we both end up losing what we love.

Post Script: We’ll be doing a part 2 to this rant, as my impulse-control problem has led me to order samples of many of the toylines contained within. Stay tuned!