#becauseihatemyself

Movie Review - Transformers: The Last Knight

SMR

Jun 30, 2017
7 min

Movie Review - Transformers: The Last Knight

[Mild Spoilers within…you’ve been warned. – Ed.] We talked about this earlier when we were looking at the state of the Transformers franchise some time ago, but after seeing Transformers: The Last Knight, I feel like the best way for me to sum up my feelings is to paraphrase, of all things, Motley Crue: Michael Bay, don’t go away mad…just go away. There are many ways a script for a film comes into being. In my opinion, the method that usually results in the better films is w

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SMR

Jun 4, 2017
9 min

Movie Review - Alien: Covenant

Ridley Scott needs to seriously consider throwing rose petals at the feet of Michael Fassbender any time the two are within close proximity. Before I elaborate on that statement, I have to come clean about how I walked in to Alien: Covenant. The trailers for the film had left me thoroughly unimpressed, so much so that I actually considered passing on the film. A free ticket only grudgingly changed my mind to check it out…since I didn’t have to pay for it, well, there was no

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SMR

May 6, 2017
7 min

Impulse Buy Theater - Incubus (1966)

Esperanto: A constructed language that was first introduced to the world back in 1887 for the following purposes: To render the study of the language so easy as to make its acquisition mere play to the learner. To enable the learner to make direct use of his knowledge with persons of any nationality, whether the language be universally accepted or not; in other words, the language is to be directly a means of international communication. To find some means of overcoming the n

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Movie Reviews - A Guyver Doubleheader: The Guyver and Guyver: Dark Hero

SMR

Oct 22, 2016
6 min

Movie Reviews - A Guyver Doubleheader: The Guyver and Guyver: Dark Hero

With our theme of Toons, Terror and Toys for October, well, there are two films that would cover the first two…so I figured why not? These films come with a story. [Goddamnit!!! – Ed.] Luckily, it’s covered in my review for Figma’s Guyver figure…so there…I don’t have to retype it! So, once you read that…you’ll know where I stand on Guyver. Now, I’d known about the live action movies for a while…or at least the first one. That one’s been widely available for some time now

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Movie Review - Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

SMR

Aug 27, 2016
5 min

Movie Review - Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

It was April 2005 when the first Sin City film came out. Now, truth be told, I’ve got some sentimental attachment to the film…it was the movie that constituted my first date with my now long-time girlfriend. It would be 9 years later that Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller would eventually team up to bring us the sequel Sin City: A Dame to Kill For. After such a long wait, was the film worth it? In a word…no. But since I had to sit through it, I feel like I have to make you

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SMR

Aug 21, 2016
5 min

Impulse Buy Theater - Caligula

For the last 153 minutes, that’s two and a half hours folks, I’ve seen so much dick that I think it broke my mind. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of breasts and vagina in Caligula too…but there’s a LOT of dick. I mean, are there any history majors or historians out there that can tell me whether or not first century A.D. Rome had…oh god, forgive the pun…such a hard-on for dick? I mean, if there’s not an actual dick on screen, then you can damn sure bet there’s a facsimil

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Impulse Buy Theater - Fire City: End of Days

SMR

Aug 17, 2016
3 min

Impulse Buy Theater - Fire City: End of Days

Well, they can’t all be good. While I’m certain that this isn’t the first or the last time an Impulse Buy Theater review goes negative, it’s nice to see that they are few and far between. If you’re wondering for whom the bell tolls…and just skipped the title of this little review…today we’re taking a look at Fire City: End of Days from director Tom Woodruff Jr. Does that name sound familiar? It should…especially if you’ve watched the last 2 Alien films. [The not so good on

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Kung Fu Concussion Discussion - Kung Fu Arts

SMR

Jul 27, 2016
6 min

Kung Fu Concussion Discussion - Kung Fu Arts

Uncle Monkey. It’s really the only thing I remember vividly from Kung Fu Arts…aside from being utterly confused. Let’s see if the official description provided by Mill Creek Entertainment helps: A loyal follower of the Emperor, who is engaged to his daughter, overhears a plot to assassinate him by the Emperor’s aide. The aide wishes to make himself Emperor once he’s disposed of the royal family but the soon to be son-in-law foils the assassination attempt. Unfortunately, t

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SMR

Jul 25, 2016
4 min

Masterpiece Theater - Rodimus Prime

I hate this thing. Granted, that makes it sounds like there’s nothing positive about MP-09, Rodimus Convoy (or Rodimus Prime here in the States)…and that’s not entirely true. What ends up hobbling this figure is that it’s too ambitious. I mean, it goes from a Hot Rod robot mode to Rodimus Prime robot mode to Hot Rod vehicle mode to Rodimus Prime vehicle mode…all in one toy! While you have to praise the audacity behind this idea and the concept behind the execution…the actu

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Binge 'N' Purge - Machine Robo: Revenge of Cronos

SMR

Jul 12, 2016
3 min

Binge 'N' Purge - Machine Robo: Revenge of Cronos

Back when we were still only seeing prototypes of what would prove to be the awesome new Machine Robo/GoBots toys, well…I got a little carried away. [Because that never happens. – Ed.] Not only did I purchase the remainder of Hannah-Barbera’s Challenge of the GoBots cartoon (and am very, very slowly slogging my way through that), but I was also able to find 3 discs worth of the Japanese Anime for Machine Robo: Revenge of Chronos. Great, I thought, now I’ll be able to see a

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Impulse Buy Theater's Avengers - Captain America (1990)

SMR

Jun 1, 2016
9 min

Impulse Buy Theater's Avengers - Captain America (1990)

As any dog with a hankering for Christmas tinsel will tell you…sometimes a shiny shit makes all the difference in the world. And that’s about as good a lead in to a review for the blu-ray presentation of 1990’s Captain America as I can muster. Actually, it’s not all terrible. Well, the movie was…but when you get context as to why it’s so bad, it kinda helps...maybe? This is where we have to pause and give a MASSIVE shout out to the folks over at Shout Factory. These guys

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Binge 'n' Purge - Transformers: Robots in Disguise Season 1

SMR

May 30, 2016
4 min

Binge 'n' Purge - Transformers: Robots in Disguise Season 1

Freak of the Week. You follow up one of the best, most epic Transformers TV series with a show that boils down to a very weak Freak of the Week trope. Sigh. Look, I could give you the short, short version of this review simply by telling you that this is time I’m never going to get back in my life, but, since I had to go through hours of Transformers: Robots in Disguise, well, I should probably try at the very least to air some intelligent, well worded commentary on the matte

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SMR

Feb 14, 2016
8 min

Movie Review - Supergirl

Before we leave the Superman franchise of the 80’s and leap (in a single bound, no less) ahead 20 years, we have to take a look at the Salkind-produced Supergirl film of 1984. While this film is pointed to for causing the Salkinds to sell the movie rights to Superman…well, it likely only started a process that was initiated by Superman III. Like Superman III, I saw this in theaters and as a kid, sure, I enjoyed it. Looking at it now with older eyes, I’m a bit more mixed ab

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Because I Hate Myself - Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

SMR

Feb 10, 2016
9 min

Because I Hate Myself - Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Yes, it’s a trite phrase that’s certainly lapped the concept of cliché…but if anything cinematically were to perfectly illustrate this point, it is Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. While considered by nearly everyone as the nadir of the series, I have to admit that in rewatching the series that I have to disagree. Don’t get me wrong, the film is RIFE with problems…but honestly, I find Superman III to be a much worse film. W

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SMR

Feb 9, 2016
9 min

Because I Hate Myself - Superman III

Superman III brings us the clearest look at what producers Alexander and Ilya Salkind, writers David and Leslie Newman and director Richard Lester would do with the franchise. And that view ain’t pretty. The train wreck of a film that resulted from these nefarious masterminds did more damage to the Man of Steel than any of his rogues gallery. With this also being the first Superman film without any influence from either Richard Donner or Tom Mankiewicz…well, sad to say tha

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SMR

Mar 4, 2015
5 min

Retro Game Review - Superman (NES)

There are certain facts in life: death, taxes, a collectible drought lasting a few months followed by an unending, expensive onslaught of must-have toy after must-have toy…and that any Superman video game (thus far) will range from meh to suck. Many like to point back to the very first Superman game ever released, back on the Atari 2600 released in 1978. But come on…that’s really not fair. That’s like saying “Maaaan 2-year-old baby, you suck because you can’t do a quadrupl

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SMR

Sep 15, 2014
4 min

Movie Review - Iron Sky

I wanted to like this movie...I really did. And it seemed like it wasn't going to be that hard. Here, take a look at the teaser. And then this one. Pretty cool, right? I mean, come on, space Nazis. But as you get into the film itself, well, that's when things start to fly apart. You see, the concept in and of itself is sound: Nazis left the Earth from a secret launch base in Antarctica back in 1945...when World War 2 wasn't going quite so much in their favor...and they've bee

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Because I Hate Myself - Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D

SMR

Apr 21, 2014
6 min

Because I Hate Myself - Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D

From one of the writers of Batman Begins! Hoooo boy…we’re in trouble. Not that Batman Begins was horrible. Oh no, far from it. But it’s always a bad sign when the main selling point of a movie is something along the lines of “From the one guy who made this other movie that you like comes…this movie!” And even that’s not a universal warning sign…again, most times it can be the opposite. Example? Open any movie trailer with “From Christopher Nolan…” and every Bat-nerd will be t

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SMR

Apr 17, 2014
8 min

Because I Hate Myself - Spawn

Did you know that the eternal struggle between good and evil, the fight for the souls of humanity, the metaphysical conflict that has engulfed the minds of men for centuries all revolves around a single woman? Yes, the never-ending feud between God and the Devil all rests on Wanda Blake. Oh, and it’s not for any typical reason like she’s a “chosen one” or anything like that. It’s mainly because all the pivotal people in this fight just really want to bang her or something alo

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